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Long ass post out of nowhere

So. A lot has happened. Where the hell do I begin?


A couple months ago, I discovered Kim was having an affair with a girl from work. She’s always been a huge flirt. She calls girls “sweetie” a lot, and admittedly crosses the line often. I never wanted to be that psycho girlfriend who forbids their lover from having female friends. I dunno. I guess I thought that I was being a good girlfriend by letting her hang out with this girl so often and so late at night to early in the morning. I dunno. Every time I thought something was a little… too friendly, I just lectured myself to be more trusting and respectful. I beat myself up all the time for even thinking she could cheat on me. So… when I actually discovered she was doing so… it was humiliating. I was furious. First at her, but now mostly at myself. I really don’t know how I could be so oblivious. I probably would have forgiven her if she wasn’t so fucking mean about it. At first she was like “it’s your fault you don’t love me like she does blah blah blah” and now she’s like “oh nevermind I love you but I can’t control how I feel and can’t you just wait for me cuz I think you’d make the perfect wife but I’m not ready for marriage and I want to whore around OK?”


Ugh. She’s a tragedy. But I know in order for me to be happy, I can’t be with someone like her. As much as I loved her, she isn’t the same anymore. I guess I’m not, either. I dunno. As bad as this may sound, I feel like she’s going backwards in life, and I’ve moved forward. I don’t mean to sound like “oh I’m the better person.” But yeah.


Anyways. We’ve been broken up now for a couple months. I left the night I found out and haven’t gone back to the apartment since, except with my dad to get my furniture and things and the cat. I took my dog the night I left, of course.


I’m now living in my parents’ garage. Which actually isn’t as bad as it sounds. Honestly. It’s kinda really awesome. My dad installed a door, and next will be an AC unit, lol. But it’s been pretty much remodeled to a studio apartment. Minus a bathroom, lol. And my parents, for once in my life, are respecting my privacy and not being overbearing psychopaths. My relationship with them has improved by like a thousand percent. So, I’m going to take advantage of rent free living for now before moving out on my own again. Also, I kinda love the grungey atmosphere. Like a lot.


And even though living in your garage is kinda ghetto, not to mention illegal…. I honestly love it. Besides. As long as I’m alive, I’ma live illegal.


Speaking of Sublime, I met a girl. She loves Sublime. She loves mostly hip hop and rap more, but she loves loves Sublime. She was cute and we started talking and then she asked me out for coffee… and normally I would have said no. Actually, in ANY OTHER POSSIBLE SITUATION I WOULD HAVE SAID NO. I’m not ready to date. I’m not ready for another relationship. But I said yes, because she had shared with me that she had broken up with her ex a month prior to my breakup. They were together for five years. Everything she said about what her ex did to her, pulled me into a straight up episode of the Twilight Zone, and I was just so relieved to learn that someone else on this planet experienced the same hurt and blindside that I had… I just had to say yes. And it wasn’t like I was the one who brought up the ex-girlfriend subject… it was her. She shared her story, and without knowing me, had described myself and my situation in amazing, eerie as fuck detail.


So we got coffee. I thought “this will just be it. I’m sure I’ll meet up with her and there won’t be anything else to talk about other than whining about our past relationships, and you can’t really do anything with that.” But then we talked a lot. Briefly about our exes, but mostly about… fuck I can’t even remember. All I know was that I had parked in a “1 hour” space (which says a lot about my expectations, no?) and I looked at the time and saw that we had been already talking for nearly two hours. I asked if we could go check on my car, and I kinda assumed that would be the end of it. We stood by my car though and kept talking. Three hours later, I realized the parking lot was empty and it was past 11 pm.


She asked me out again. I said yes. She bought me dinner and took me to a movie. The more I got to know her, the more I liked her. But even though she was incredibly fucking fine as hell, I couldn’t bring myself to do anything with her. No hand holding. No flirting. No kissing. Every time the thought entered my mind, I found myself pushing it away. I could also see that she was a little awkward at times. It was weird, and I wasn’t sure what she wanted from me. Did she just need a friend? Did she like me at all? I left our second date, doubting there would be a third. I was like “too bad, she’s really my type but… bad timing I guess. It’s probably for the best.” But then I get home and she texts me to see if I made it home safely. We text back and forth for hours after our already hours long date. She points out that I was less shy than the time before and asks how she was. I point out that she seemed a lot more shy than the time before, and she admits something like “Well I was really nervous because I wasn’t sure if I should make a move or not.”


So I realize that she doesn’t want just a friend… but I don’t ask for more detail. A girlfriend? Just someone to date? Just someone to fuck? I don’t want to know the answer, because I honestly don’t know what the hell I want, so why would I ever ask for that same answer from her? Like seriously… what the fuck am I doing with this girl?


The girls at work encouraged me to take advantage of the single life for once in my life and get some free dates and coffee and drinks and dinners, and if this girl was willing to take me out, why not let her? It’s a bonus that she’s cute and is willing to pay for everything, so go! So we went on a third date. Amazingly, she found a Drive-In theater for us to go to. It was totally retro and awesome and right up my alley, so I was excited. And then I was really nervous because I realized that a Drive-In meant privacy, and she had made that comment about making a move the last time…. I thought for sure she’d try something that night. After all, it was a double feature. Another 4-5 hour long date. She had plenty of time to make a move, but it was only on the drive back to her place to pick up my car so I could be on my way home, that I realized she HADN’T made a move. When we pulled up to my car, I expected her to try and kiss me goodnight, but she didn’t.


So I went home, confused as ever as to what her intentions may be. Then I felt incredibly guilty because this girl had just taken me out and paid for three dates, and I’m sitting here being selfish and weird over a kiss I don’t even know if I want myself. But I really like her. Her humor, her personality, her passion… she is a terrific human being. Smart. Talented. Kind hearted. And really fucking cute. I’ve known her now for about a month. So I find myself deciding that I need to know if she feels the same way. Whatever that indescribable feeling is. Also I need to do something for her since she’s been the one breaking the bank for me. So the next day, I asked if I could take her out to eat and then maybe go back to my fancy studio-garage for some weed.


So we have sushi, like lesbians do. Then we go to 7-Eleven, like stoners do. We go to my place and we sit on the sofa and smoke and talk all night long. Somewhere in all that haze, I recall that I had that question to ask her, and so I do. “Why haven’t you tried to kiss me yet?” I can tell she’s flustered and she fumbles over her words for a brief moment. She says she isn’t sure why and asks why I haven’t tried anything. I tell her I’m not sure why either, but that honestly, I’ve never really had to think about first kisses with past lovers. They always just kinda go for it, earlier than I imagine or am prepared for, and I just go with it or say “no thanks” and that’s that.


I ramble on and on, because I’m high, and I talk about my confused feels for her and how I don’t know what I want, except that I don’t want to ruin what we have… whatever that is. She says she feels the same way, and then admits that she at first thought I’d just be a nice rebound fling for her because I’m her type and why not be a slut now that she’s single? I found this extremely hilarious, because I’m so fucking high. “But then I got to know you,” she says, “And you’re totally on my level.” She says something about how she can see something special with me but that she’s scared that what she’s feeling is just confusion and not wanting to do something bad because she thinks it’s something good. She doesn’t want to break my heart or have her heart broken. And I totally understand where she’s coming from, because that is exactly how I feel. And the more we talked about our fucked up emotions, the more I realize that we are like… exactly on the same level like she had just said. Which makes me like her even more. And makes me want that kiss even more. Even though we both reached an agreement that we should just “go with the flow” and not label anything and not feel pressured to get intimate and to take things slow.


We keep smoking and talking and then she asks if it would be weird if she kissed me despite our entire conversation about trying to avoid the intimacy. I said I wouldn’t mind a kiss. She doesn’t do it right then, but a little later when we’re saying goodnight. I’m walking her to my door and asking again if she want me to walk her to her car. She says she’s fine and jokes about the hardcore (sarcasm) gangs of Garden Grove. Oh yeah. Did I mention she grew up down the street from me and went to my high school’s rival high school? Graduated in ’06 like me. Fucking Twilight Zone shit, I swear. I’m not even going into the really insane shit cuz that would take forever and is boring to everyone but me.


Anyways. I’m standing at my door, and just as I’m thinking “Hm… I wonder if she’ll kiss me?” She does it. No wait. First she says, “I’m going in,” and then leans in to kiss me. I want to laugh because it was incredibly adorable and hilarious how she said it, but I don’t want to ruin the moment so I just smile and kiss her back. I’m expecting an innocent little “goodnight” kiss and it’s more. Dammit, it’s more. It’s not making out, but it’s not just a peck either. Our lips parted and then pressed on, and parted and then pressed on… several times and each kiss got just a little more intense. I pull away, because I’m not high anymore and just terrified of where this could possibly go. We say goodnight and she goes home.


The next day she texts me “Sorry if I caught you off guard last night.” I asked what she was talking about, suspecting she meant the kissing, but not wanting to assume. It was about the kiss. I tell her she didn’t and remind her that she had asked, and then I admit that I found it respectful and refreshing that she did. I apologize to her that I pulled away from her after about 30 seconds, and admit to her that I was scared about it. She says she understands. Ugh. Of course she does. Why can’t she just be an asshole and make this easy?


The next day, she says she’ll be in town visiting her brother so I invite her over. She says she doesn’t want to keep me up late since I have work early the next day, but suggests she can be over tomorrow, Sunday night, instead. It sounds perfect because we both have that Monday off so we can stay up all night. We plan movies and smoking and just want to have a nice relaxing night since we’ve both had a hard work week. I find myself watching the clock at work, like a kid in school counting down the seconds to summer break. I pick up some weed at the dispensary for us and for my dad, I get snacks and soda, I get salt and rubbing alcohol to clean my bong and favorite pipe, Priscilla. I make sure I look good and that my glass looks good, and that the bud looks good. She comes over straight from work, still in uniform. I agreed that I’d be in my PJs so that we could both look like bums. But let’s be honest: I made sure I looked as cute as pajamas could be. xD


We watch a couple movies, and talk and smoke. As the night goes on, we’re holding hands. Then we’re making out. I haven’t had a make out session like that since I was a teenager in high school. Back when kissing was new and exciting and you didn’t want it to end, because it was such a new, exciting thing. And it was like I felt like that all over again. I don’t know if it’s just plain and simple amazing chemistry that we have. Or maybe it’s because my last couple of relationships have consisted of like very little make-out sessions because the people I was with thought it was childish to kiss like that sooo maybe I was just really into it because it’s something I’ve always tried to do but no one ever wants to make out like that. But whatever the reason, it was amazing and sexy and fucking hot. It got really intense and then all of a sudden she pulls away, and I open my eyes and she has her hands clenched like she’s just stopped herself from doing something. She asks if it would be OK if she had a quick cigarette break outside and repeats that she really needs one right then. I nod and she’s gone fast.


I take a hit from my bong to calm my nerves which are very much surfacing again. She comes in, as I’m exhaling the smoke and she sits down, apologizing and saying that “I don’t know what you did, but… I just really needed a cigarette break.” I say “sorry” for making it awkward, and she says that I’m fine, and that it’s all her. We sit and talk for a bit… before we’re making out again. We stop. We talk. We make out again. We stop to watch our favorite part of the movie. We talk. We make out again. This time, she has her arms around me, and I feel one of her hands moving farther and farther along my thigh. Just as I feel one of her fingers softly run along the top of my PJ bottoms, she pulls away and I see she has that clenched fist again like before. I tell her it’s OK, and we’re back at it.


Well, so much for taking it slow, because she fucked me twice. I tried to return the favor, but she kept saying she was stinky and sweaty from work and didn’t want to. I just want to make clear to her that I’m not a pillow princess femme which makes her laugh. She leaves for home at 6:30 AM. Which makes it about an 8 hour date. And after each of us get a few hours of sleep, and she’s showered, she’s back at my house later that afternoon.


We watch movies, smoke, eat, talk, make out, and I finally get to fuck her and I love every second of it. And I realize all my hesitation with her… is gone. We’re cuddling like we’ve known each other forever and it feels great. She asks me how I’m feeling about everything… meaning us. I tell her I’m not sure. I admit that whatever it is, I like it, but I decide it’s still too early to label anything. She agrees. We spend the rest of the night cuddling. We do it one more time, but honestly, it was mostly just cuddling and watching the TV and listening to music and talking. I even stopped smoking to sober up and make sure that what I was feeling wasn’t just a side effect from really good weed. I’m running my fingers up and down her arm and rubbing her shoulder as I listen to her share stories about her life and she talks about a recent terrifying car accident she was in and how her shoulder always hurts still. I give her a shoulder massage and I see her watching me with this intensity in her eyes. I don’t know what to make of it. We keep talking about whatever, but she interrupts our conversation constantly with “no one’s ever done this for me before,” referring to the shoulder rub. Her eyes are looking at me with… I dunno what. It’s just intense. Really intense. “No one’s ever done this for me before.” My heart aches every time she says it, because that is exactly how I felt when she was actually letting me massage and caress her arms and shoulders. It was so relieving and beautiful to be able to do something that I like to do, and had always tried to do with Kim but… she would always complain that I was too clingy or breathing on her too closely…. But not only did Kisha let me, she liked it.


And I don’t know why, but that really scares me. Actually, I guess I know why it scares me. Because it’s just another reason to like her so much, and to want to pursue something possibly serious with her. And I feel like the list of reasons to just dive further into something possibly serious with her is getting longer and longer. And part of me is excited, but most of me is terrified. I had no intentions of this happening. I was fine being a sad, single, stoner loner.


And I just can’t get that look she kept giving me out of my head. Those intense eyes. They were just so… loving… and… it just terrifies me. I don’t know what to make of it. I’m wondering if I’m just kidding myself. Maybe I’m just being a stupid, hopeless romantic. But that look. It has seriously haunted me all day. I go from feeling scared, to feeling butterflies, to feeling sick, to feeling happy, to crying my eyes out, etc, etc… you get the picture.


She didn’t go home until about midnight. She invited me over tonight, after we were both off work, but I have to be up early tomorrow. I suppose it’s best to take some private time to process what I’m feeling.


Life. Is. Strange. Very strange right now.


And that’s where I’m at in this moment in time.

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Comments

( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
groudon202
Jul. 30th, 2014 12:42 pm (UTC)
...You know what they say is true. When someone DOESN't post for yonks, it doesn't mean their life is uneventful. On the contrary, it often means the opposite. I don't post much and my life is still very eventful, in both good and bad ways recently.

I'm terribly sorry to heart that you and Kim are over. Every time you had a post, Bobby, about you and her, it just made me feel so warm, because... You were going out four years or so, and that's the longest gay relationship I know of personally. There aren't much lesbians here in Ireland (well, that have come out anyway), so that you both were so comfortable about it really made me happy for you. None of my other Livejournal friends made as many personal posts about themselves, and very few Facebook friends. So though we were getting a lot of insight into your private life, it was good. Given how much you had both talked about it, I was sure the two of you would be together for ever, and have kids and everything eventually.</p>

So to hear that's all over is quite a blow to me, a spectator!
Honestly, I've never been in a breakup situation like that, so I wouldn't know exactly how you're feeling bar what you've told us. Obviously you're scared to invest, given the one you thought was the love of your life is over with now (I'll assume you still have to be in contact with Kim to get back your half of the apartment money you spent on rent/mortgage).

Still Kisha sounds great. Not even just a great potential romantic partner, just a great person. I actually think her sweetness, from what you've described, meshes better with you.

Look, life's way too hectic to get caught up in romance every moment. There's your job, your hobbies, countless other things.
Recently enough I missed out on my dream animation course, actually. Not the same thing, I know. But I relearned about taking pleasure in the simple things. Eat a bit of cake. See a great movie. In my case, play a video game. In your case... smoke weed.

It's obviously way too early to know what's gonna happen. But I wish you the best of happiness, Bobby. Mike's known you before he even came to Livejournal, three years ago, after all.

commander30
Jul. 30th, 2014 02:59 pm (UTC)
I agree with Groudon--I think it's great (and very brave of you) that you're so open about everything going on in your life. I hope everything works out great for you, whether that's on your own, with this new girl (and I again agree with Groudon--she sounds like an incredibly good person), or some third option--whatever road your life goes down from here on out, I hope it gives you nothing but happiness and fulfillment. :)
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